Pedophilia

I'm sure no one wants to hear about THAT.
No one ever wanted to hear about it.
I tried to tell, but it was too horrible for anyone to hear.
So the kid shuts up.
The kid is ashamed.
I've always thought it was halfway my fault.

Years go by.Decades.
It wouldnt have happened if she was'nt such a rotten kid.
This does not happen to nice girls.
Yet, I dont think she was a bad girl. How could she have been. She was only 8 years old.
She might have drank orange juice, or milk from the carton, when no one was looking, and she would absolutely steal sweets.But I dont think she was really bad.

 8 years old, maybe younger, as far as I can figure, based on where she lived.

I know exactly WHERE it happened. The hall, outside her pink-painted bedroom with the teddy bears in it , and the dollies..
And I know it was a Thursday. Thursdays were when the sitter came.
I cant remember dates. I dont even know how many times. But it was more than once.

I cant prove it.
I cant prove any of it. No dates . No times.
But I can see and feel every detail like it happened yesterday.
She didnt like it.
I did not like it.

I am middle -aged now. I identify as lesbian.
Would I so identify if I hadnt been "molested"? I do not know. That is a heck of a thing not to know.
I dont know if I'm a real lesbian.
I dont know if I'm a real anything, except I am a REAL bonifide, "Dont fucking TOUCH me!"

(They call it "molested", which means ' bothered')
They should call it more honestly.
Fucked.
That asshole fucked an 8 year old.
That asshole FUCKED an 8 year old!

She didnt know what "fuck" meant.
He gave her a stick of gum and told her not to tell.

...and I didnt, for a while, because I was a good girl.
When I learned about fuck at age 10, ..............I thought I was going to have a baby.
But I didnt tell.
I waited for it to come out. At night.Out of my  hairless little girl vulva.
But it never did, because I had not menstruated. But That was a detail I was not aware.of.

I'm 56, and I've figured out finally, there aint no baby in there.


On October 17 2012, A court order forced the release of old files long held in secret by the Boy Scouts of America, going back to the early 1960's. The release of these files stemmed from old cases and cover-ups of child sexual abuse by Boy Scout leaders,  in and around Portland, Oregon from the early 1960s.
http://news.yahoo.com/boy-scouts-america-perversion-files-made-available-public-183000544.html


I read the files. There were names there I knew.
There were lies.
There are STILLl lies.

There were a lot of victims.
The victims werent all boys.