BlockHead

Right place. Exactly the right time.

I just returned from a 4-day intensive  Japanese woodblock print-making workshop.
....and now everything looks just a tad different. A little bit of Kitagawa Utamaro's floating world informs my brand new retinas.

I like what my head does when I carve my block of  Linden wood.
When I ink the block and rub the paper, I am surprised to see the picture emerge from inside my head , through the wood , by way of the ink, into the material world.
This is fantastic!

The paper I'm using is made of mulberry fibers soaked for hours in a cool stream, by old women in a tiny village in Hokkaido.
When I moisten the paper to prepare it for the ink,  I can hear them gossiping.

I made  prints of a raven, an owl, a snake, and scarlet runner beans..

I'll see if I can scan them in to share here.

Shameless

My body sags.
In the mornings I am stiff.
I am not ashamed.
Sometimes I shit my pants.
Pee also.
I am not ashamed.
My armpits smell.
I have a pimple.
I eat roadkills.
I am not ashamed.
I have lumps wrinkles and scars.
I cant read without glasses.
I keep birds without a permit.
I am not ashamed.
I dumpster dive.
I have broken teeth.
I dont own a lawn mower.
I lost my virginity years before I knew what "fuck" meant.
I am not ashamed.
I am drinking a beer.
I am not ashamed.

My bones are growing back.
I've got my posture again.

Closure

A good story absolutely requires closure.

 Every " It was the best of times, it was the worst of times"... NEEDS a " Its a far far better thing that I do......", at the end. *

But thats  stories.  Real life is not so well crafted.
Are we owed closure?
Sometimes we luck out. Heres an example.

About a year ago, while I was away from home at sheepdog trials, my aged Rook dog wandered away from his caretaker, and went missing. I called friends who worked together and quickly found Rook at the Canyon County animal shelter, covered with some stink he'd gotten into, and very ready to come home. My friends bailed Rook out, cleaned him up, and we all, every one of us lived happily ever after.......Well, except  Rook. Rook is no longer with us, but he lived happily for months after, and then died peacefully. A good life for a good dog. A good death for a good dog.
As he deserved.
...and all is right with the world . The space-time continuum remains rock steady , and God's justice falls like rain upon the fertile soil.


In stories, closure is determined by who ever controls the narrative. Sometimes in life too.

 I've made a few vain, and  thoughtless attempts at seizing on "the  narrative" for what threw me into my present depression. Sorry if it was alarming or unpleasant. That was just me trying to make closure. This writing right now is an attempt at some sort of closure.  Perhaps it is less reckless than other efforts.
When one is at the end of one's rope, one can do some pretty ugly grasping, but understand, it is to keep from drowning.
Drowning?
Yes.
Drowning in this:
The notion that what happened , happened because I deserve it.  Because, If I deserve it, then I am the biggest bag of shit , not worthy of life.

Indeed , At the very nadir of my depression, I woke up one morning with the strong notion that God did not want me to live, and that my continuing efforts to draw breath went against the will of God.
(Dont worry. I have since fired that God and am looking to hire another one. Taking Applications now!)



This is why it is vitally, (VITALLY!) important to apologize when we have caused someone suffering,  .  The apologizer offers a narrative that the sufferer may not wholly deserve her suffering. The sufferer still incurs  the usual slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, but receives the closure of knowing that its not because she's a bag of shit not deserving of life.

I can live with a sad ending. I just cant live with the idea that I deserve it.

Why WOULDNT you apologize?
Scared?
Weak?
That would make you pitiful , or...
Maybe you really do think I deserve this.
That would make you an asshole.


Thats my story and I'm sticking to it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



*Literature cited:
Opening lines from A Tale of Two Cities, by Dickens:

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to heaven, we were all going direct the other way - in short, the period was so far like the present period, that some of its noisiest authorities insisted on its being received, for good or for evil, in the superlative degree of comparison only."


Closing line from Tale of Two Cities:
"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known. "

Its a great story. Recommended.  The ending, while not 100% happy , yields robust closure.

Oh yes. Yes

Post erased. Smarmy.