Better! Decidedly!
I'm even giddy with it.
Jeez, I hope I'm not going Manic.
Operate Scheduled Mood Inventory. Check
Check for Grandiosity?
No.
Narcissism?
Less than usual, and its not the malignant kind.
So I think we're okay.
I have exactly NO expectations.
The expectations I used to have were not doing me any good
I believe they are gone now.
If I should encounter them again, I will politely and firmly ask them to leave.
I have tried and tried to understand what happened.
I dont understand. I dont think I ever will.
What makes other people do what other people do, doesnt matter.
This is freedom.
I dont have to answer to my expectations.
I sure as hell dont have to answer to the expectations of anyone else....or God, either.
Maybe I'll have the words, "Fuck all" tattooed on my forehead.
I dont yet consider my short held sobriety a gift.
But I'll put off that next beer till some other day.
I'm actually enjoying O'Douls non-alcoholic "premium malt beverage".
I can slam 4 with breakfast and not lose my day.
Its a good day. I can see everything. Future, present, and past.....(Note to self : Schedule another Mood inventory.real damn soon)
When its a bad day, I cant see beyond it. I cant realistically see a present or future.
There will certainly be other bad days. I will write my depressed self a note from my giddy self .
Dear Sad girl, Keep breathing. The color will come back, and it wont be chiding you , accusing you. and if it is, tell it to fuck itself. Love Giddy Girl.
I'm having a fight with God.
Doesnt matter because I'm ditching that asshole, and will be looking for a new one. Its going to be great!
http://darkergods.blogspot.com/
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Monday, June 11, 2012
This blog will serve as a chronicle or biography of my DEPRESSION.
Those of you who have been repelled by my darker Facebook, posts, Go no further. Turn back now. You wont like this any better.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.Okay then. Don't say I didn't warn you.
You can still turn back .
Very well then.
It may be in every life, that there is something out there that can make one ToTaLlY LoSe One'S ShiT.
I hope it never happens to you. I think life is better lived without having to totally lose one's shit.
When it does happen, you will not recognize yourself. You will fight and flail,and God will discard you.
Everything will change,
or maybe nothing has changed at all. Maybe it has been this way all along.......... Could it be ,I've sucked the whole time?
..My DEPRESSION was born in September 2011.
Oh sure I've had depression before. Its commonplace. It runs in the family. We're artists. We're damned odd, the lot of us. Depression is part of the landscape for an artist. Theres also the gay thing. What gay person doesn't feel at times alienated and a bit of a stranger to the mainstream?
But its been cool. .No big deal. No surprise. Depression is a natural part of the territory.
My previous depressions have been short-lived and easily tamed with fairly low doses of pleasant pharmaceuticals.
Not this time, Bucko.
This DEPRESSION was born large and strong, and kicking , when something, some one thing, happened which made me sad.
A sad happenstance.
For crying out loud, sad shit happens to everybody. Its part of the human condition. We learn to be willows. We bend. Buck up. Carry on. Good God! Stop crying!
Not this time.
This one is intruding on all my waking moments, and many of my sleeping moments as well.
This one , I can feel. spiky, like a buzz saw. This one, I can taste. Bitter, bilious.
This one is dry heaves
Its ruining my posture.
I swear, sometimes I can feel it dissolving my bones.
It separates me from human-kind.
It fragments my thoughts.
It changed my pleasures, and made them vexing.
I DID NOT USED TO BE THIS WAY.
I would kind of like to come back.
Although I do not expect my life to be just like it was before.
I'm going to try to take this thing on.
I will endeavor to record some of my thoughts and experiences here as time goes by.
You are welcome to watch.
Heres a song from Green Day. (Play it loud)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MN_j-l1zLeQ
Those of you who have been repelled by my darker Facebook, posts, Go no further. Turn back now. You wont like this any better.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.Okay then. Don't say I didn't warn you.
You can still turn back .
Very well then.
It may be in every life, that there is something out there that can make one ToTaLlY LoSe One'S ShiT.
I hope it never happens to you. I think life is better lived without having to totally lose one's shit.
When it does happen, you will not recognize yourself. You will fight and flail,and God will discard you.
Everything will change,
or maybe nothing has changed at all. Maybe it has been this way all along.......... Could it be ,I've sucked the whole time?
..My DEPRESSION was born in September 2011.
Oh sure I've had depression before. Its commonplace. It runs in the family. We're artists. We're damned odd, the lot of us. Depression is part of the landscape for an artist. Theres also the gay thing. What gay person doesn't feel at times alienated and a bit of a stranger to the mainstream?
But its been cool. .No big deal. No surprise. Depression is a natural part of the territory.
My previous depressions have been short-lived and easily tamed with fairly low doses of pleasant pharmaceuticals.
Not this time, Bucko.
This DEPRESSION was born large and strong, and kicking , when something, some one thing, happened which made me sad.
A sad happenstance.
For crying out loud, sad shit happens to everybody. Its part of the human condition. We learn to be willows. We bend. Buck up. Carry on. Good God! Stop crying!
Not this time.
This one is intruding on all my waking moments, and many of my sleeping moments as well.
This one , I can feel. spiky, like a buzz saw. This one, I can taste. Bitter, bilious.
This one is dry heaves
Its ruining my posture.
I swear, sometimes I can feel it dissolving my bones.
It separates me from human-kind.
It fragments my thoughts.
It changed my pleasures, and made them vexing.
I DID NOT USED TO BE THIS WAY.
I would kind of like to come back.
Although I do not expect my life to be just like it was before.
I'm going to try to take this thing on.
I will endeavor to record some of my thoughts and experiences here as time goes by.
You are welcome to watch.
Heres a song from Green Day. (Play it loud)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MN_j-l1zLeQ
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)